So, when I began pondering what to write about this time, my wife subtly suggested that I do something different. When I asked what she meant by that, she said, "I want to read a story. You've written enough perspective pieces and thought-provoking stuff lately - I want to read something funny - like a story..." The pressure was on. I had to come up with something original and out of the box - something made-up or an Ireland story of some kind (she claims that I never wrote about Ireland, which is false - I wrote twice about Ireland - obviously not very memorable entries for her...) Anywho, this suggestion of hers was a solid week or two ago and I could not for the life of me come up with anything that fit the bill. The fact is, my life at seminary is quite story-less, no interesting bus characters or weird city interactions to let my imagination run with. No, my days are spent in class or studying - or at church, which, sadly, I do not have any weirdo's around to write about. Yesterday however, a spark came to me while lacing up my shoes for an intramural basketball game. This oddity was pointed out a month or so ago and it was upon catching another glimpse of it that the wheels for a story began spinning. So, it is now that I turn to my silly, out of the box, made-up (but based on a true situation) story. This one's for you Rebecca.
Smooth Get-Away
"Brain, I've got a problem I need you to investigate for us," said the Legs. "What is the issue Legs?" "It's kind of embarrassing. Um...we...well..." The Legs hesitated. "Go ahead, I've heard it all - what's going on? I can't help you if you can't tell me what's wrong," Brain encouraged. "Well, the other day, we were having a conversation with the eyes and something came up that shocked all of us. The eyes discovered that something was terribly wrong with us," Legs described. "I don't know when - or how - but....argh, I don't know if I can say this." "Go on - out with it! What is it? I've got other things to do you know. We still haven't figured out this windshield wiper fluid problem and Lord knows we've got reading to do. What is going on?!" Brain was getting frustrated. "Ok, here goes. Our hair is missing," Legs whispered. "Your what is missing?!" Blurted the Brain. "Our hair, on the lower part of us - is gone. Without a trace. It's just...missing. We're...we're...smooth down here," Legs admitted ashamedly. "Really? Huh. Interesting indeed. When is the last time you saw them, you know, the hair that is?" Brain inquired. "I don't know, the summer maybe?" Legs answered. "Alright Legs, I'll get the word out and start looking into it for you. I'm sorry, hopefully they'll turn up soon," Brain answered consolingly. "We sure hope so, it's so embarrassing - the woman legs are starting to get jealous of us whenever we're around them," Legs added. Mysterious indeed, the case of the missing leg hair had the Brain working overtime in between all of its other tasks. After their conversation it seemed the rest of the body was constantly talking about it and had a theory of their own. The eyes felt almost as bad as the Legs - they couldn't remember the last time they looked and felt like it was their fault for not noticing sooner. The butt got into the mix too, cracking jokes and teasing the Legs constantly. Yes, the body was in chaos trying to locate where all that hair vanished to. Brain sent a team of investigators to the scene who reported that both the outer sides of the lower legs were almost completely smooth with no hair follicles present of growing. Hair was everywhere else except in those locations. Brain analyzed sleeping positions and clothing choices, weather patterns and activity logs and continued coming up empty. Everything the Brain suggested or theorized just did not add up to a logical explanation. The Legs felt more and more anxious and upset - they felt that they were somehow less masculine and strong. They felt like they had done something wrong and the hair decided to send a message by skipping town in the middle of the night. Time was of the essence and Brain was not getting any closer to solving the case.
"I don't know Legs, I think we might have to chalk this one up as unsolved," Brain concluded. "Unsolved?! No, that is unacceptable. What will I tell the other Legs when they ask?" Legs countered. "Just tell them the truth and that they better watch out themselves... Look, I'm just as embarrassed as you are. I've tried everything. Just be thankful that Head isn't complaining and we're still full where it counts. I haven't heard any other reports anywhere else, including the Private Pubic Sector, so we should just count our blessings at this point. The only time you've got to worry about this is the warm season - and that time frame is less than 4 months out of the year in this climate. I think it's best we just look at the positives of this sudden disappearance and see if we can't find ways to use your smoothness for good. Think of the speed we'll make up for in the pool!" Brain said enthusiastically. "Yeah, I suppose. I just feel like we need closure, you know, we never got to say good bye," added Legs. "I suppose you're right though, it's not a huge deal. But something makes me kind of suspicious of the Face - I just wonder if Face isn't somehow responsible - I mean, isn't it kind of odd how all of a sudden, Face is basking in hairiness up there - after years of being smooth and hairless?" Legs added accusingly. "Now, now, just leave Face out of it. He's just going through a phase too y'know. Face has had it much tougher than you have Legs, and you know it. Face it, you haven't even begun to experience ridicule like Face has - we finally look like our age after all," Brain added defensively." "Well, we do until someone catches a glimpse of us down here," Legs quipped sarcastically. "You may have a point there Legs. Maybe I better go and have a chat with Face," Brain replied jokingly. "Oh, and Brain?" Legs asked. "Yeah Legs?" Brain replied. "Can you also tell the woman Legs to leave us alone too?" Legs asked sheepishly. Brain laughed. "Sure Legs, I'll see what I can do."
The End
