I've debated over the last few days if I even want to write about it. I have avoided reading and hearing about it because the pain is still too great. I have talked about it, and this has helped, but when the conversation stops, the cycle of thinking picks up again and those wounds are re-opened and start hurting again. But, I feel like I need to write about it anyways. I feel I owe it to others who are shell-shocked and suffering like me since it happened Sunday evening - and together, perhaps, we can join in collective hope (again) before another agonizing year of Minnesota Vikings football begins in August 2010.
That game was like having my heart punched repeatedly and then receiving a miraculous revival only to have it ripped away for another round of vicious abuse. The agony. I decided a month ago that I was going to stop my cynicism and try to be optimistic, forward looking and hopeful about my Vikings. I can tell you exactly when this mind-shift happened - during halftime versus the Chicago Bears on Monday Night Football. They were getting pounded by the lowly Bears. While it was tempting to criticize and write off the Vikings for another wasted opportunity, I decided to rally around them and believe that a comeback was on the near horizon. My efforts were nearly rewarded until my favorite Viking, Adrian Peterson, bobbled away the game. Since then, I did my very best to give this team the benefit of the doubt. When Cowboys fever filled the mouths of every NFL expert, and a hot Dallas team came to town and put the Purple and Gold faithful in fits of anxiety, I believed in the Vikings and predicted a win. They prevailed convincingly.
Then I had to endure a week's worth of build-up before the season-long anticipated match-up with the Saints. I was hopeful. I was confident. I did my best to block out the negativity and vivid memories of '98 and '03. I even had a back-up plan for defeat: along with many others, I had decided that should a Vikings loss occur, I would be happy for the Saints and the city of New Orleans. And when game time finally arrived and the Vikes drove down the field on their first possession and scored - ahh, the hope ignited within....
However, it wasn't long before we were knee-deep in endless fumbles, ridiculous penalties, missed interceptions, injuries and the end-of-regulation-field goal attempt that never came... Alas, after enduring the meltdown of Sunday's game, I am still not quite recovered. It still hurts. Granted, no tears have been shed, but there has been no shortage of internal strife and suffering going on. Do you understand how I feel football fans? Am I crazy for feeling so sad, angry and shocked about this? I've tried to convince myself that I am indeed a bit off my rocker for caring so much about a game that I do not control nor have any invested involvement with outside of my loyalty which stems from my place of geographical origin. Talking with others and just seeing the anguish in their eyes has led me to believe that I am not crazy or acting foolishly about this gut-wrenching loss.
After 4 Super Bowl losses and 5 straight NFC Conference Championship losses, this team had the opportunity to right the wrongs of yesteryear, to give the Minnesota fans of the world the chance for a new identity... Under the leadership of ex-rival Brett Favre, who for many of us became a rallying symbol of hope and determination, however weird and uncomfortable that transiton has been, the Vikings looked poised to get to the big game and ... and ... and ... We'll never know. Again. Despite the turnovers and ugly play, somehow, as the game neared its end, we were duped into still believing that maybe, just maybe, they were still going to pull this one out. (I'd like to apologize at this point for all those "Vikings fans by association," those who normally pledge their loyalty to their own teams, but either through prior elimination or just sheer self-less love for us, decided to cheer for the Vikes in order to see us attain happiness and joy... I'm sorry you had to see and feel this. You may have already moved on, but I am sorry for being the reason for your having suffered temporarily...) Indeed, Vikings fans are to be the most pitied in all of sports. On level with Cubs fans? Perhaps. But, they've won the crown before, even if it was over 100 years ago. (I am open for discussion if you feel your team is worse off than ours.)
Is it wrong to have wanted to celebrate victory and experience the hope of all hopes of a Super Bowl win for a change? Is it wrong to have wanted to share this joy with loved ones, especially my brother whom I am not sure I will have the chance to witness (in person) such an opportunity with again? Like him, I too compare this loss as spiritual - that despite one's mistakes in the game (of life) there is still a chance to redeem oneself and come away with a victory from time to time... to experience first-hand how God's grace feels- that despite what you do or don't do, you still receive the handing down of riches and blessings. Is it wrong to want to be on the "God giveth" side for a change rather than enduring yet another "and God taketh away"? So, we are left feeling robbed, beaten, disappointed and bitter. As for that "back-up plan in the event of a Vikings loss" that I earlier adopted... Let the record state that I am not happy for the Saints and the city of New Orleans (they have enough other people on their side as it is without me right now.) At this point, I don't even know if I want to watch the Super Bowl. This one hurts so much worse than '98 or '03. You would think that with time and experience of repeated heartbreak that I would grow stronger and more resilient - able to hold up under such disappointment - but no. Is it because I was more hopeful and positive rather than the opposite, which so many have adopted as their mentality of choice? I don't know. Should I abandon this team to avoid further pain? Should I go back to my self-protecting ways of cynicism and pessimistic "I knew it would happen this way"? Or do I cling to the ounce of hope that remains, that whispers to me that someday, some way, things will get better and perhaps, a team like the Vikings will hoist the Lombardi trophy, giddy as children at the playground?
I will hope. It will take some time to heal, but I will hope. Does it mean that I have to understand what went wrong, or find some kind of silver lining or "reason" it had to be this way? NO. Much like our continued hurt and pain of dealing with the "incomprehensible and cruel" realities of the earthquake in Haiti - I do not think any sort of answers will be enough to silence the pain. I don't understand. I don't know why. I question and wrestle with God. I want to do something to help in a tangible way, so I give money or volunteer my time. But before I can do any of that - before I enter back into the fray of life's trials, I must first and foremost cling to HOPE. Without hope, there is only darkness. Although not even close to the amount of pain and anguish that the earthquake has caused, the Vikings game dealt a significant blow to our individual and collective ways of living hope. Sports teams provide for us a way to practice hope and live life forward rather than wallowing in historical misery, woe and "if only they had..."
With that said, I am happy to report that Minnesota Twins players report to spring training in under 35 days...
