When kids go off

Generally speaking, I am really content with my kids and the infrequency of tantrums and screaming fests. However, when it happens, it's in stereo and causes a flood of emotions in me like anger, compassion, anxiety and annoyance. If you know me then you know that I have seen a lot of movies in my day. Late last night while Andrew, our 6 month old, was not happy (probably teething) and letting the whole house know it, I found myself drifting into Hollywood analogy mode. So, when the kids go off, here are three make-believe things from the movies I wish were true for me in those moments of ear-splitting heart/headache.

1. Harry Potter - Magic
If I could just the eliminate the noise like a real-life mute button with the flick of my wand, that'd be awesome. When Natalie or Andrew cry and scream, everything within me goes into revolt. Rebecca is much better at responding with empathy right away, whereas I feel my eyes bulge out and an immediate sense of running for the hills. I usually need a few minutes to center myself and gear up for engagement. It's not that I don't care or am trying to get out of it (well, sometimes I am) but rather the volume level is unnatural for my senses and my bodily basecamp needs a moment or two to process the shockwaves and develop a plan. It's like those monster books in Harry Potter that go crazy when you open them...if you knew to stroke the binding to calm them down, we'd be all set. The kids however, do not have binding.

2. Pulp Fiction - The Wolf
State Farm insurance has kind of taken the concept of the wolf or the genie in their commercials of late. When someone gets into a tight spot, they say a little jingle and poof, someone comes to the rescue. I found myself thinking about Harvey Keitel's character from Pulp Fiction, "The Wolf." He gets the call, rolls into the scene all calm and collected and executes this flawless plan, tying up all the loose ends with ease. When my wife and I are at a total loss as to what to do for this squirming, screaming little human, man, it would be pretty sweet to be able to dial up The Wolf and know everything was about to be taken care of lickity split.

3. Office Space - Hypnotized
I really wish I could just roll out of bed in them middle of the night (instead of waking up with wide-eyed urgency) and walk in there and deal with the kid without flinching a la Peter in Office Space. When Natalie loses it for some ridiculous reason (like trying to be helpful with her pj's), I would much rather prefer a hypnotic trance of numbness and peace versus frustration and annoyance. Yeah, that would be great (said like Lumberg).

Oh well, its a phase. I'll get through it too.

A Big Man's Dilemma

Over the last couple of years (since I turned 30) I have been gaining weight. I went through a great weight-loss phase in my twenties, somehow shedding close to 100 lbs beginning with my 250 plus offensive lineman days in High School. At my ten year reunion, many of my classmates didn't recognize me, so I knew things were on the up and up as far as managing my weight. Well, those days are long gone as we all can sadly attest.

Throw in a job in the ministry where grandmas love to bake delicious mouth-watering treats and expect you to eat, eat, eat and now we have a recipe for disaster. Slow metabolism + people pleaser + non-active lifestyle = twenty pounds I don't need. Now, I am still loads lighter than my worst days when I was rockin' a 42 size jeans and eating whole boxes of mac n' cheese in one sitting. However, my dilemma is that my weight now is severely limiting my wardrobe options. I can fit into like two pairs of nice slacks and a handful of shorts during the summer. Those medium sized t-shirts - forget it, I might as well be a spandex model. I have zero blue jeans options. None. Unfortunately for me, my the jeans that I could fit into ripped at the crotch while out on a visit a few months ago. I should've been more embarrassed or nervous that I was exposed, but I was honestly cursing inside because I knew I just lost my only blue jeans indefinitely.

So what's a big man to do? I tried to purchase new blue jeans, but I am in between sizes apparently. I have been doing my best at watching my portions and getting exercise but only losing like .8 lbs at most week in and week out. I even tried some of those green coffee bean pills that are supposed to magically melt off the weight. Nope, not for this sucker. I know there are some of you who feel my pain. And with kids to tend to, creating time to workout can be downright impossible most days. But, if I want to avoid purchasing an entire new wardrobe and thereby succumb to my new normal, I have to lose this weight. No excuses. Alright, enough of this. I'm going for a run.

Agree? Like this. Ideas? Please share!!