Goodbyes

I wonder why they're called goodbyes. Goodbyes kind of suck actually. They're hard to do, too. Perhaps Badbyes, or hardbyes?  Nah, as tough as they are, there is good to saying farewell. Leaving something behind almost always entails saying hello to something new, and hopefully, something really good. And while I know a new tomorrow in Rogers will be bright and awesome in many ways, leaving this place is difficult - really difficult.

It occurred to me that my last post may have come off overly negative about the last two years as a rural minister. I know now that it takes a specific type of person to minister in a rural setting - and I am not that type of minister. And when you're not cut out for something, all you're asking for is discomfort. Like a round peg (and I am quite round - more on this later) having to repeatedly place myself in a triangle shaped opening just doesn't work out too well. And it was this poor fit which ultimately caused my soul tremendous emotional heartache and unfulfillment. And to make matters (worse?) I grew very attached and close to many people here - so writing off Big Bend and looking for greener pastures was never something I found myself doing. I know now that those relationships and friendships provided enough motivation, purpose and comfort for the time being, but eventually, not even my love for this congregation was able to keep me from needing to find a better fit. And so, even though I know it's better for my sanity and soul for the long term, saying goodbye will continue to suck.

Emotional goodbyes are one thing, and a heart-wrenching experience to be sure, but I am also looking at making some psychological goodbyes as well. As mentioned in my last post, I'm not just in emotional recovery these days, but physically I need to change as well. I enjoyed several years of great health and then..... I turned 30 and the universe I'd come to know and appreciate started to really mess with me. I'm still fairly healthy, but it has become painfully clear to me that I am addicted to dope. Dopamine that is. When you're emotionally unhealthy you start looking for a dopamine fix wherever and however you can get it. So, couple my slowing metabolism with some emotionally tough sledding in my current context and what you get is one starved soul. And so I turned to a good friend, who always knew how to give me something to smile about, albeit briefly, on those cold, dark days of the soul when I was jones-ing for a dope high. What I'm trying to say is that I've been a slave for most of my life - but especially the last two or three years. And my buddy, my master?  SUGAR.

I need to break up with Master Sugar. And its gonna really, really suck. Or so I think right now. Me and Sugar go way back, and we're tight as an abusive relationship could ever be. Chocolate, candy, Swedish Fish, ice cream, cookies, marshmallows, bread, chips, juice - I'm all over it and then some. About the only sugar I've kicked to the curb is soda. Otherwise, I'm a sugar addict. And I ... can I even say it? And I need to break up with ... (Deep breaths - you can do this Keith) I need to drastically reduce my sugar intake. There. I wrote it. And I think I really mean it this time.

No thanks to some of you out there being rock stars when it comes to good health, exercise and meeting some attainable fitness and nutrition goals (you know who you are), I think it's my time to kick this habit for good. I'm also indebted to a Reader's Digest article I read yesterday, which is refusing to let my conscience go back to my sugar-daddy.

The Quiz: Are you a Sugar Addict?
1.  If you reach for one cookie or chip, is the bag empty before you know it?
2. Can you skip dessert but empty the bread basket?
3. Can you control your food intake during meals but lose it when you start to snack, especially on chips and crackers?
4. When you want to lose weight, is it easier to skip meals altogether rather than just eat smaller ones?
5. Are you tired all the time? Are there things you'd love to do but just don't have the energy for?
6. Once you've had "just a taste" of bread, bagels, muffins, crackers, pasta, or rice, do you go back for a second (or third) helping?
7. Do you spend the day on a roller coaster of snacking highs and lows, hitting the doughnuts in the morning, the vending machine chips or candy in the afternoon, and the ice cream at night?
8. Do you eat healthy around other people but lose it when you're alone?

I answered YES to almost every question, with the exception being that I said NO on number 2--I can't skip dessert! I am apparently "highly susceptible to food addiction, period."

This week's challenge:  Eat no more than 24 grams (or 6 teaspoons) of added sugar in 24 hours. (One teaspoon = 4 grams. When you see sugar grams on the label, divide by 4 to get the teaspoons.)

I share this because a little public humiliation goes a long way. I see some of you from time to time too, so as a way to a) know if you're reading my blog and b) give you permission to give me a hard time for my own well-being, I decided to lay it all out there today.

And so, the goodbyes continue.



  

What I Know Now

What I know now is more than I did then, different from what you know, and not as much as I'd like to know going forward.

I am finally emerging from the wilderness experience that has been the last two years of my life. And man, I have learned a lot.

I know now that I cannot ignore my emotions. To say my emotional life as a rural pastor was like a roller coaster is an understatement (not to mention an over-used analogy and a tad too cliche.) It's been tornadic. It's been abyss-like. It's been dysfunction-ally repetitive. And above all, it's been exhausting. While I know now that I was borderline depressed for much of the last two years, I can honestly reflect on those dark days with appreciation.

My time as a rural pastor wasn't entirely depressing of course. There have been many, many moments of sunshine and joy. I've established some incredible relationships with people of all ages and backgrounds, most with histories much different from my own. I know now that these friendships were the life-blood of my call to ministry here, and without them I would have emotionally perished a long, long time ago. I am grateful for God bringing these beautiful but flawed people (which is the definition of all human beings) onto my path. I am hopeful and confident I accomplished good things in their lives as they have done the same for my own.

What I know now, as I prepare to depart this rural context is that I still have so much more to know. I have cluttered my health, emotional and otherwise, with so much immaterial waste that I am simply ashamed to realize how unhealthy I am as a citizen and human being. My laziness has caused me to become much more ignorant and overweight than I am comfortable with, and I know now that only I am able to change this woeful trajectory. I lost several levels of self-confidence during the course of this two year depressed state of mine and while I know now that I am headed back in the right direction, I still have a ways to go to being fully repaired and restored.

Spiritually, I know now I have been redeemed and will be continually redeemable. That's the theology I subscribe to, and while it may or may not be what is culturally acceptable, Jesus has everything to do with this redemption and re-awakening. And I know that he is every bit as worth following now as he was back then.

Which leads me to a post-election day reflection. What I know now is more than I knew then, different from what you know and not as much as I'd like to know going forward. In other words, when it comes to politics, I am terribly ignorant. My sense is that I am not alone. And while I skew democratic these days, I am disgusted and frustrated with Washington as a whole, no matter if you're blue or red. I did a few questionnaires and a minimal amount of research on the candidates I voted for yesterday. So, I did my civic "duty" but I am increasingly anxious about where we're headed as the human race of the United States. I know now that I am becoming more and more convinced that if Jesus were physically walking among us today, he would be neither democrat nor republican. I am convinced that most of us Americans are blind and in need of a new imagination and vision for what it means to live, work and interact alongside one another and creation in this "free" land we call home.

I don't know if any of this made sense, but if nothing else, it's an honest snapshot of my soul - a soul that is breathing anew these days and on the verge of even more significant change in 2015 and beyond. And what I know now is that despite the rising ambiguity, tension and decline that appear to be taking over our ways of being together as church and as a country, I am hopeful. Yes, I cling to the hope that we'll keep talking to each other, no matter how different our religious or political views, and strive to listen, understand and pursue what it means to love people as Jesus loved them and what loving our neighbor as ourselves is all about.