What I Know Now

What I know now is more than I did then, different from what you know, and not as much as I'd like to know going forward.

I am finally emerging from the wilderness experience that has been the last two years of my life. And man, I have learned a lot.

I know now that I cannot ignore my emotions. To say my emotional life as a rural pastor was like a roller coaster is an understatement (not to mention an over-used analogy and a tad too cliche.) It's been tornadic. It's been abyss-like. It's been dysfunction-ally repetitive. And above all, it's been exhausting. While I know now that I was borderline depressed for much of the last two years, I can honestly reflect on those dark days with appreciation.

My time as a rural pastor wasn't entirely depressing of course. There have been many, many moments of sunshine and joy. I've established some incredible relationships with people of all ages and backgrounds, most with histories much different from my own. I know now that these friendships were the life-blood of my call to ministry here, and without them I would have emotionally perished a long, long time ago. I am grateful for God bringing these beautiful but flawed people (which is the definition of all human beings) onto my path. I am hopeful and confident I accomplished good things in their lives as they have done the same for my own.

What I know now, as I prepare to depart this rural context is that I still have so much more to know. I have cluttered my health, emotional and otherwise, with so much immaterial waste that I am simply ashamed to realize how unhealthy I am as a citizen and human being. My laziness has caused me to become much more ignorant and overweight than I am comfortable with, and I know now that only I am able to change this woeful trajectory. I lost several levels of self-confidence during the course of this two year depressed state of mine and while I know now that I am headed back in the right direction, I still have a ways to go to being fully repaired and restored.

Spiritually, I know now I have been redeemed and will be continually redeemable. That's the theology I subscribe to, and while it may or may not be what is culturally acceptable, Jesus has everything to do with this redemption and re-awakening. And I know that he is every bit as worth following now as he was back then.

Which leads me to a post-election day reflection. What I know now is more than I knew then, different from what you know and not as much as I'd like to know going forward. In other words, when it comes to politics, I am terribly ignorant. My sense is that I am not alone. And while I skew democratic these days, I am disgusted and frustrated with Washington as a whole, no matter if you're blue or red. I did a few questionnaires and a minimal amount of research on the candidates I voted for yesterday. So, I did my civic "duty" but I am increasingly anxious about where we're headed as the human race of the United States. I know now that I am becoming more and more convinced that if Jesus were physically walking among us today, he would be neither democrat nor republican. I am convinced that most of us Americans are blind and in need of a new imagination and vision for what it means to live, work and interact alongside one another and creation in this "free" land we call home.

I don't know if any of this made sense, but if nothing else, it's an honest snapshot of my soul - a soul that is breathing anew these days and on the verge of even more significant change in 2015 and beyond. And what I know now is that despite the rising ambiguity, tension and decline that appear to be taking over our ways of being together as church and as a country, I am hopeful. Yes, I cling to the hope that we'll keep talking to each other, no matter how different our religious or political views, and strive to listen, understand and pursue what it means to love people as Jesus loved them and what loving our neighbor as ourselves is all about.