Yesterday I had my first physical examination since 2003 when I was a young, hip newlywed at the age of 23. I decided, hey - maybe I better get another one of those since I just entered the still young, but no longer cool phase of the 30's... Seven years in between routine physicals made me totally forget how silly and humorous this exam is to me. And I had a few new things checked this time, much to my uncomfortable amusement.
The week leading up to the exam I felt the need to really kick it into gear so that I could feel my absolute best going into the appointment. I half-way met this goal. Whereas I started running again and hitting the gym more frequently than the previous 3 months, I still was tipping the scales a bit past my target range. For some reason, I really wanted to nail that impending weigh-in at the doctors office. Alas, the weigh-in was a disappointment, but it could've been much worse had this appointment been over the winter months.
The nurse checks my blood pressure and gives me the rundown of how my doctors visit will go. I am impressed at how quickly I got to the examination cubical, I say. She says, "oh, the doctor likes to stay on time, he's big on that." So, I know my doctor is an organized and responsible man - excellent. Then this bombshell, "You don't have to undress and get into the gown yet. The doctor will come in, get to know you a little and then leave the room for you to undress." So, he likes to wine and dine me a bit before getting down to the nitty gritty, eh? I can't help but make myself chuckle. I mean, what a weird ritual this is - undressing. A dude like me just isn't used to hearing that said to him. The doc comes in, we chat about my health a bit, and then bam - he exits and the stripper music starts and I get naked. Well, almost - he's a "leave your underpants and socks on" kind of guy, so I comply.
The Gown: This is not a gown. It's a half sheet with shoe laces. No instructions - you're just supposed to know that you put this thing on backward and suddenly you're ready to be examined. I laugh thinking of all those jokesters and probably international students and foreigners who most likely put it on with the open side in front. I also ask what the point of putting it on at all really is - it's just going to get pulled down and up anyway, and it's not like its protecting you or keeping you warm.
Take a few deep breaths. Open wide. Now drop your pants. Here we go! Again, I think I'd just be better off without that gown. I have to pull up and pull down in order for the doc to check under the hood. As if this isn't already a tad uncomfortable. Then I get to do my best Three Amigos imitation and turn my head and cough. I still don't know why we do this. I think to myself to ask sometime. Just not today. And just like that, we're done. Or so I thought.
Next thing I know, I'm looking down at my doc looking back at me with his gloved hands. My smile fades. "Have you had a rectal exam before?" I scream inside. "No," I manage to eek out. "It's not so bad, just need to check your prostate." I'm instructed to bend over and place my elbows on the bench. I brace for the worst. Oh my gosh, I can't even write this without laughing. It didn't last very long, but holy cow - that is definitely the most awkward and weird and - ugh - I'm not even going to attempt a description. I just know that I almost yelped audibly. Then leaves the room again. I almost started laughing as I relfected on what just happened. Then this really odd and hilarious memory popped into my head - well, two actually. The first was that scene from the movie "Road Trip." Guys, you know the one. The second was of my friend Scotty Moore from my college days. He told me of this time when he had to go to student health services for his physical exam before his upcoming trip to Brazil. He recounted what happened when he received the gloved finger rectal exam. He screamed and was yelling all over the place - I just couldn't stop laughing then or now. The funniest moment for him was leaving and seeing all the people in the waiting room and wondering what they must have been thinking during his little "episode." So, if you're reading this Scotty - thanks for the laugh, again.
The fun wasn't entirely over after that. I had to have some compacted ear wax removed from one of my ear drums. This is another doozy of a procedure folks. Warm water is shot into your ear to loosen it up. I don't know how many giant syringes worth of water she blasted in there, but it was a lot. She wasn't sure if it was gonna come out. Then, she grabs a little tool and goes in and retrieves it. I kid you not, she pulled out a tiny, tip of my pinky sized ball of wax! My eyes bugged out and I yelled. Then my little eardrum clogger was gone and I was free to start hearing things clearly again. I'm not gonna lie, I totally wanted to keep that wax and bring it home to show Rebecca - see, I really couldn't hear you all these years!!
When it was all said and done, I received a clean bill of health. Ah, the joys of the doctor's office.
