Where Hope Finds Me

Yesterday I led an internment and burial service for a 12 year old boy who died unexpectedly while playing basketball.

Now that I've got your attention by a tragic reminder that we live (and die) in an unpredictable and fragile world, I'm open to your thoughts as to why this boy died.

I sure hope you are as speechless as I am.

Why are we so restless about having to acquire all the answers? Of course, science will be able to explain what happened in his body that caused his heart to stop beating, but I know there is nothing that autopsy report can reveal that will put all of our answers to rest. In the depths of our tremendous suffering at Breck's loss, our grieving is compounded with such terror that something like this could and does happen in our existence as human beings. Disease, missing chromosomes, blood clots, tumors - all beneath the skin and out of sight, we learn the hard way that we are not in control.

No one is. Is God? I don't know.

I do not believe in a Puppet-Master God or in a God who creates and then retreats to his control room to watch us destroy ourselves. For me, the truth about God is that God isn't up in the control room switching between screens and hitting buttons that send lightning strikes to earth or typhoons that swallow up towns or fires that wipe out entire teams of firefighters. For me, God is Almighty but that doesn't encompass the pulling of all the strings. Likewise, there is no way I can deny the stories and experiences from my life when I have felt God's presence and work on my behalf.  God is involved in my life in ways I cannot explain here, but I know God's love is real and true and powerfully transformative.  I believe God has a preferred future for all of us, and ultimately God's goodness conquers evil, but in the meantime, the creation is free to be as it was created and that will mean that with beauty and good there will also be shadows and suffering. As we suffer, I believe so too does God suffer, and more than we'll ever understand…  Somehow God is working in our midst for us and with us while still honoring our freedom. Therefore, when it comes to Jesus' death, I've come to really question and doubt the belief that God was only born into God's own creation as a baby in order to become a human sacrifice for the forgiveness of sins for the world.

So now, in the wake of the most recent death from my parish community (Breck was a beloved grandson, nephew and cousin of some of my members) the question of why arises again, this time in connection with the foundational truth of any ministers' proclamation: the death of Jesus Christ on a cross. I took one class in seminary that discussed the possibilities of why Jesus died before being thrust out into the pulpit in the Lutheran tradition to teach others. I'm discovering that one class wasn't sufficient for a thinker like me. But then again, school at present isn't a place where our questions are encouraged as a way of grappling with mystery but in order to arrive at conclusions and facts. How on earth though can we truly ever understand why a man would allow himself to be tortured and crucified unjustly? I stand before a congregation of people every week who believe I know the answer to that question - but I don't. I don't have the slightest clue why Jesus died. The popular answer is that Jesus knew he was going to die and did so because our forgiveness and ability to go to heaven was on the line. That used to do it for me, but then my mind never stopped thinking about it and now I really don't know what I believe. Is knowing the exact reason why that important?

You see, for me, hope still finds me in the midst of my suffering even in the absence of an acceptable theory behind the death of Jesus. For me, what is most important is that Jesus experienced death first-hand. Not only that but Jesus experienced what it feels like to one of us - to feel joy and hope, grief and disappointment, to be betrayed, abandoned, and forsaken. Why Jesus underwent such injustice when his life was on the line, I can only speculate. But something just doesn't sit right when I think that the only reason he died was to appease God's penalty for his childrens' sins.

Yes, hope finds me when I survey that wondrous cross because I believe God stepped on earth to get as close as possible to his creation and the hands, feet, eyes, ears and hearts of his beloved humankind. I believe God couldn't stand to be apart and was willing and able to do whatever it took to bring us to his side forever. But like a guest who has over-stayed their welcome or a person invading our personal space, God in Jesus Christ got just a bit too close for comfort so they nailed him to a cross. I don't really know if what I think fits into a category anymore, but perhaps for you seminary classmates out there, the closest I can get is the "Wondrous Love" theory. I can't help but wonder though...what if Jesus so truly respected humankind's freedom that he was willing to allow for even his own death, a death by the very hands, feet, eyes, ears and hearts that God created? A death not by design or pre-destination but as a result of getting too close and too intimate and saying too much of what we didn't want to hear...What if Jesus truly died for you - for your love, your hopes, your sins, your whole-existence from birth to even death just so he could be the only one truly for you in every way imaginable? What if?

It's a terrible mystery how a boy can step up to the free-throw line hoping to make a couple of shots and instead be suddenly stepping up to meet his Maker. It troubles me beyond all belief. And yet, something deep within me beckons and reassures that even in that moment Breck's Maker and Savior was with him in ways I'll never know or understand, and that that was not the end of Breck's story.

Seeking answers can lead to everything from anger to justice or from pain to peace, but in the end, knowing the why isn't as important as knowing Who is always beside, within and all around me. Hope finds me because I believe the cross wasn't the end to Jesus' story but rather one last barrier to overcome so that I might live forever with God - or more accurately - that God might live forever with me and with us.

There's a reason there are volumes and volumes of books and theories - it's hard to wrap this up in one moderately short blog post! I am still working this out and I'll probably change my mind about something by the end of the week.  But, for now, this is my working truth and I am intrigued by what truth other people operate from, so your observations, thoughts and comments are welcome and appreciated!

Important authors who have informed and inspired my thinking about this include:
John Polkinghorne (Quarks, Chaos and Christianity: Questions to Science & Religion). Rob Bell (Love Wins & What We Talk About When We Talk About God), Joel Green (Rediscovering the Scandal of the Cross: Atonement in New Testament & Contemporary Contexts) and Jurgen Moltmann.

Free Thinkin' Theology: The Bible

In seminary I had to study both Greek and Hebrew, the original languages of the Bible. The first few weeks of those classes made me feel like a complete idiot. My entire world was thrown upside down, I was so confused and dumbfounded that I wasn't even sure if I knew the English language anymore. Then, similar to Neo/Thomas Anderson's character from the movie The Matrix, just when I thought I was never going to "get it," suddenly I did, and I felt invincible. But despite having this incredible new knowledge and insight into the scriptures in their original language, I still felt as though I'd only scratched the surface to the question 'what is truth'?  My love of theology keeps me wondering about the Bible and the mysteries within it. I don't know that I'll ever fully understand how this collection of books/poems/letters and stories have the transforming power that they do. I don't ever want to fully understand, because I don't think that's the point. Over the years I've become very comfortable having more questions than answers.

There are more gifted writers and thinkers on the subject of the Bible than me (most notably what Donald Miller and Rob Bell have shared the last two days from their blogs). If you read those articles, you'll know where I stand, too. I've been thinking about what I believe about the Bible on and off for the last 15 years. I was just about to write it all out when I stumbled upon Miller and Bell's posts, so I am including a few quotes that struck a chord. As for me, well, here are my two cents on the topic (which will most likely keep changing over the next 15 years.)

1- I believe that the Bible is contextual; I don't think it was written with the 21st century in mind.
Rob Bell: "These writers, it's important to point out, were real people living in real places at real times. And their purposes and intents and agendas were shaped by their times and places and contexts and economies and politics and religion and technology and countless other factors."

Donald Miller: "These essays, letters, plays and poems were written to cultures that would have read and understood them very differently than the way you and I understand them today."

2- I believe the Bible is inspired by God, but so is Harry Potter and the Sistine Chapel.
Donald Miller: "2 Timothy 3:16 says all scripture is given by God/is God-breathed/is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness...and yet it's doubtful Paul knew when he wrote these words, or any of the other words he wrote, that they would some day be considered Scripture themselves. And to assume he did is to assume something the Bible doesn't clearly state."

I think the term "God-inspired/God-breathed" is very confusing and has been wildly misinterpreted. At one point I thought that this meant that it was like God hired some ghost-writers to pen his thoughts into a book. Nope, I don't think that way anymore. I agree with Miller and Bell, the Bible was written by real people, a long long time ago, with their own purposes, intents and agendas flowing out in their writing in intentional and unintentional ways.  I think to assume they spoke for God is very dangerous and foolish. They wrote about their present day circumstances and issues and not with ours in mind. Therefore, I am struggling to see how we can use their values to determine ours. I am most concerned with how we as people of faith/religious institutions choose to make decisions about present day issues like marriage rights, ethics and the role of the church of which the Bible is either silent or speaks about from an entirely different time and place. I believe that the words of scripture are inspired by God and have the ability to guide and empower people from all walks of life, but I do not believe the Bible was the last medium in which God channeled God's inspiration. I think J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series was inspired by God, so was the Sistine Chapel and the movie Good Will Hunting. God inspires countless other contributions by human beings who use their gifts and passions to inform, enlighten and empower people. To my knowledge, none of them wrote any portion of the Bible. The key difference then is that when it comes to knowing, enjoying and getting to know the character of God, one of the best places to do so is in the pages of the Bible. It's not the only place, but it has a proven track-record of changing lives for the better. Personally speaking, as much as I question its authority, I cannot and will not doubt the power of the scriptures for they have changed my life and continue to guide, comfort and sustain my existence and contributions in this world. But what we seek to gain from the Bible is based largely on what questions we ask of it when immersing ourselves within it. I've found the following to hit the nail on the head:

What does this passage/story/poem/verse/book tell us about how people understood who they were and who God is at that time? (Bell)

What's the story that's unfolding here and why did these people think it was the story worth telling? (Bell)

Donald Miller: "I miss studying the Bible as a wonderful piece of God-breathed literature. I think when we turned it into a book of rules, facts and absolutes, we killed its beauty. We killed something that was once alive so we could control it and make it serve our will."

3- I believe the Bible consists of Truth, not necessarily facts.
Ultimately, I think it matters what we think of the Bible, and how we 'use' it to live our lives (I really, really do.) I care about how we treat one another, especially when we call ourselves 'spiritual' or 'believers' or 'disciples' or 'Christians.' But just because we claim the Bible as holy, I am not convinced that we have a right to make it into something more than what it was intended to be. There is nothing holy about using the Bible as a basis to judge, condemn or exclude others.  When we do so, I think we've entirely missed the point and squandered the message Jesus was trying to make when he lived and died among human beings during an actual part of our history. To me, the good news of Jesus is far more important than the Bible (in other words, the focus of our worship ought to be Jesus not the Bible.) I believe as people of faith we are called to worship Jesus as the Word of God and to live out the ideals to which he taught - and not just taught, but died for (more on this in the next installment.) Jesus lived and died for a way of life which included acceptance (we exclude), humility (we're entitled) and justice (we neglect) for 'the other.'

For me, the Bible was never meant to be a fact-book or science manual or even a biography of Jesus. The Bible is a collection of 'truth-telling' literature intended to communicate/question/wonder about and create meaning out of the world. Some events really happened, and some didn't. Truth allows for contradictions, and those are okay, too. It doesn't really matter to me. What matters is how we understand what these stories convey about God and how this might help us uphold and carry out the greatest commandment to love one another with grace and humility.

I believe each person's life has the potential to be a mirror of the Gospel. Our life experiences, personality and choices all are opportunities to point to the goodness of our Creator. How we do or don't do this is up to us. Ultimately, I believe that we are in many ways God's living word(s) to one another. We are God's original masterpieces (see video below), whose experiences, intellect, actions and desires are all God-breathed and all have the potential to point towards and carry out the transformational love of Jesus. 

But I could be wrong.



Comments welcome!

Up next: The meaning of Jesus' death.

Free Thinkin' Theology

I have grown tired of the phrase many in my congregation say over and over again regarding their ministry: "Well, we used to ..." I am currently challenging them to create new memories so that we don't have to fall back on how good things used to be. And yet, when I hear those two words "used to" put together so frequently, I am comforted that it's not just a reminiscing or longing for the goodness of yesteryears, but "used to" is also a reminder of how much I have grown and evolved. Yep, that's right - evolved. I am growing so much more confident that Darwin was right about his thoughts on nature and evolution.

And that's just the beginning of how I've changed over the years. I used to believe many things, including that evolution was a lie and that Charles Darwin was just one of a long-line of God-hating scientists. My worldview has changed and many of the things I was naïve about and held at arms length are now things I think aren't just possible but truth - including the important role that science plays in matters of faith, the human condition and theology. Of course I know I could be wrong, but that's the beauty of a free thinkin' theology: it doesn't matter because for me, growing and strengthening in faith is not about something being right. It's about wonder and creating meaning. I'm not interested in fact-finding but in the exploration of truth. Truth leaves the door open while fact slams it shut. Discussion over. As long as we can talk about and explore the deepness of God and all things of the spiritual nature together with honesty and humility, there is hope for unity amidst our differences.

And so, I have adapted an approach of transparency, honesty, vulnerability and authenticity. I often feel like I've said too much or revealed more than I needed to. And while silence definitely has its place, when it comes to what it means to be human, I think the only way to grow is through listening for truth in our storytelling. Whether a friend, husband, dad, pastor, I desire connection and personal well-being and growth through dialogue, imagination and a spirit of adventure into the unknown by asking lots of questions. The sweet irony is that I used to dislike people like this - people who questioned everything, especially when it came to matters of faith. But then life happened to me, and it happened again and again, and on one particular happening, I realized that certainty or more specifically, knowing why something happened - was not possible. The only certainties I could stake my life on were change and death. For me the choice was simple: mystery or misery of uncertainty. I chose mystery and still do.

Of course, one must realize that Free Thinkin' Theology is only "free" if the thoughts stay in your head. It's only "no cost" if you keep your doubts, wonder and questions to yourself. Honesty comes with a high premium in todays world. I am growing increasingly aware of what living out this level of honesty and question-asking means in regards to the church. As a leader of a faith community/ congregation (what many refer to as church) I am learning that a free thinkin' preacher is welcome up to a point. But oh how I long for a church (universally speaking) that not only welcomes this kind of honesty and faith-curiosity but becomes synonymous with it - so that when people encounter Jesus-followers they would associate us with truth-telling, acceptance and humility. Imagine that for a second... What might happen if people of faith, especially the Christian faith, reflected not judgment or closed-mindedness, but authentic expressions of Jesus' radical acceptance, hospitality and gratitude in their relating to one another (no matter what you believed?)

It's easy to feel like it'll never happen, but I still hope it will. In the meantime, I will strive to be as genuine and true to myself as I can. Whew, if you've read this far - congrats and thanks. Now that I've got all that off my chest, I will take aim at exploring the following 5 areas of spiritual and religious debate that I cannot stop questioning and formulating new ideas and beliefs about:

1. Why did Jesus die?
2. The Bible
3. Hell
4. Science and Religion
5. God as omniscient (all-knowing)

How's that for a cliff-hanger?

When kids go off

Generally speaking, I am really content with my kids and the infrequency of tantrums and screaming fests. However, when it happens, it's in stereo and causes a flood of emotions in me like anger, compassion, anxiety and annoyance. If you know me then you know that I have seen a lot of movies in my day. Late last night while Andrew, our 6 month old, was not happy (probably teething) and letting the whole house know it, I found myself drifting into Hollywood analogy mode. So, when the kids go off, here are three make-believe things from the movies I wish were true for me in those moments of ear-splitting heart/headache.

1. Harry Potter - Magic
If I could just the eliminate the noise like a real-life mute button with the flick of my wand, that'd be awesome. When Natalie or Andrew cry and scream, everything within me goes into revolt. Rebecca is much better at responding with empathy right away, whereas I feel my eyes bulge out and an immediate sense of running for the hills. I usually need a few minutes to center myself and gear up for engagement. It's not that I don't care or am trying to get out of it (well, sometimes I am) but rather the volume level is unnatural for my senses and my bodily basecamp needs a moment or two to process the shockwaves and develop a plan. It's like those monster books in Harry Potter that go crazy when you open them...if you knew to stroke the binding to calm them down, we'd be all set. The kids however, do not have binding.

2. Pulp Fiction - The Wolf
State Farm insurance has kind of taken the concept of the wolf or the genie in their commercials of late. When someone gets into a tight spot, they say a little jingle and poof, someone comes to the rescue. I found myself thinking about Harvey Keitel's character from Pulp Fiction, "The Wolf." He gets the call, rolls into the scene all calm and collected and executes this flawless plan, tying up all the loose ends with ease. When my wife and I are at a total loss as to what to do for this squirming, screaming little human, man, it would be pretty sweet to be able to dial up The Wolf and know everything was about to be taken care of lickity split.

3. Office Space - Hypnotized
I really wish I could just roll out of bed in them middle of the night (instead of waking up with wide-eyed urgency) and walk in there and deal with the kid without flinching a la Peter in Office Space. When Natalie loses it for some ridiculous reason (like trying to be helpful with her pj's), I would much rather prefer a hypnotic trance of numbness and peace versus frustration and annoyance. Yeah, that would be great (said like Lumberg).

Oh well, its a phase. I'll get through it too.

A Big Man's Dilemma

Over the last couple of years (since I turned 30) I have been gaining weight. I went through a great weight-loss phase in my twenties, somehow shedding close to 100 lbs beginning with my 250 plus offensive lineman days in High School. At my ten year reunion, many of my classmates didn't recognize me, so I knew things were on the up and up as far as managing my weight. Well, those days are long gone as we all can sadly attest.

Throw in a job in the ministry where grandmas love to bake delicious mouth-watering treats and expect you to eat, eat, eat and now we have a recipe for disaster. Slow metabolism + people pleaser + non-active lifestyle = twenty pounds I don't need. Now, I am still loads lighter than my worst days when I was rockin' a 42 size jeans and eating whole boxes of mac n' cheese in one sitting. However, my dilemma is that my weight now is severely limiting my wardrobe options. I can fit into like two pairs of nice slacks and a handful of shorts during the summer. Those medium sized t-shirts - forget it, I might as well be a spandex model. I have zero blue jeans options. None. Unfortunately for me, my the jeans that I could fit into ripped at the crotch while out on a visit a few months ago. I should've been more embarrassed or nervous that I was exposed, but I was honestly cursing inside because I knew I just lost my only blue jeans indefinitely.

So what's a big man to do? I tried to purchase new blue jeans, but I am in between sizes apparently. I have been doing my best at watching my portions and getting exercise but only losing like .8 lbs at most week in and week out. I even tried some of those green coffee bean pills that are supposed to magically melt off the weight. Nope, not for this sucker. I know there are some of you who feel my pain. And with kids to tend to, creating time to workout can be downright impossible most days. But, if I want to avoid purchasing an entire new wardrobe and thereby succumb to my new normal, I have to lose this weight. No excuses. Alright, enough of this. I'm going for a run.

Agree? Like this. Ideas? Please share!!

Curious in the Country

It has been nearly a year since my last post and that is embarrassing. But, no excuses, it's been a year of transition and chaos, both externally and internally. Thankfully, my writing "sabbatical" is lifting, slowly. It began with turning a corner on a previous stance about a certain thing called Facebook. Once vehemently against, I've experienced a gradual but complete change of heart, much to the delight of many. I still stand by my critique that if not careful, Facebook breeds either narcissism (self-involvement) or voyeuristic tendencies. However, I've learned to celebrate that large middle ground where it can really be a great tool to stay connected to one another in community, albeit digital. Bottom line is that I honestly didn't think Facebook would've lasted this long, and my hold-out was largely a wait-and-see tactic. Ultimately I finally gave in because of the persistent efforts of a great friend (you know who you are) who wasn't afraid to repeatedly broach the topic and call me out for being too proud. Thanks buddy.

Although I haven't been writing, I have been thinking. And thinking. And thinking some more over the last twelve months since beginning my call as Pastor of Big Bend Lutheran Church. Some of these thoughts have crept their way into sermons and conversations with members. I have also found a great community of pastors out here, as well as friends/family all around, who have been great listeners and thinkers alongside me as I wrestle and ponder the deep things of God and the universe. To them I am incredibly fortunate and appreciative.

All of this rambling stems from my growing frustration with the existing structures of the world, especially the way we "do" church. It's not that I am unhappy with my call or overly annoyed with how church is conducted at BBLC. I genuinely love what I do and where I am. No, my frustration runs much deeper and has created a profound curiosity about almost everything I once thought true about the Christian faith. Seminary was a pivotal and mostly an enjoyable time of formation, community and leadership development. But ministry in the parish forces you to unlearn so many things and throw much of what is taught out the window or into a back corner of your mind. Then, you start questioning one thing and pretty soon (at least for me) everything comes into question and raises suspicion.

I've said enough for now. My curious contemplation will continue... Facebook is risk enough for now. In time, I'll reveal some of the other risky thoughts that are stirring in this mind which refuses to stop questioning and wondering.