Now that I've got your attention by a tragic reminder that we live (and die) in an unpredictable and fragile world, I'm open to your thoughts as to why this boy died.
I sure hope you are as speechless as I am.
Why are we so restless about having to acquire all the answers? Of course, science will be able to explain what happened in his body that caused his heart to stop beating, but I know there is nothing that autopsy report can reveal that will put all of our answers to rest. In the depths of our tremendous suffering at Breck's loss, our grieving is compounded with such terror that something like this could and does happen in our existence as human beings. Disease, missing chromosomes, blood clots, tumors - all beneath the skin and out of sight, we learn the hard way that we are not in control.
No one is. Is God? I don't know.
I do not believe in a Puppet-Master God or in a God who creates and then retreats to his control room to watch us destroy ourselves. For me, the truth about God is that God isn't up in the control room switching between screens and hitting buttons that send lightning strikes to earth or typhoons that swallow up towns or fires that wipe out entire teams of firefighters. For me, God is Almighty but that doesn't encompass the pulling of all the strings. Likewise, there is no way I can deny the stories and experiences from my life when I have felt God's presence and work on my behalf. God is involved in my life in ways I cannot explain here, but I know God's love is real and true and powerfully transformative. I believe God has a preferred future for all of us, and ultimately God's goodness conquers evil, but in the meantime, the creation is free to be as it was created and that will mean that with beauty and good there will also be shadows and suffering. As we suffer, I believe so too does God suffer, and more than we'll ever understand… Somehow God is working in our midst for us and with us while still honoring our freedom. Therefore, when it comes to Jesus' death, I've come to really question and doubt the belief that God was only born into God's own creation as a baby in order to become a human sacrifice for the forgiveness of sins for the world.
So now, in the wake of the most recent death from my parish community (Breck was a beloved grandson, nephew and cousin of some of my members) the question of why arises again, this time in connection with the foundational truth of any ministers' proclamation: the death of Jesus Christ on a cross. I took one class in seminary that discussed the possibilities of why Jesus died before being thrust out into the pulpit in the Lutheran tradition to teach others. I'm discovering that one class wasn't sufficient for a thinker like me. But then again, school at present isn't a place where our questions are encouraged as a way of grappling with mystery but in order to arrive at conclusions and facts. How on earth though can we truly ever understand why a man would allow himself to be tortured and crucified unjustly? I stand before a congregation of people every week who believe I know the answer to that question - but I don't. I don't have the slightest clue why Jesus died. The popular answer is that Jesus knew he was going to die and did so because our forgiveness and ability to go to heaven was on the line. That used to do it for me, but then my mind never stopped thinking about it and now I really don't know what I believe. Is knowing the exact reason why that important?
You see, for me, hope still finds me in the midst of my suffering even in the absence of an acceptable theory behind the death of Jesus. For me, what is most important is that Jesus experienced death first-hand. Not only that but Jesus experienced what it feels like to one of us - to feel joy and hope, grief and disappointment, to be betrayed, abandoned, and forsaken. Why Jesus underwent such injustice when his life was on the line, I can only speculate. But something just doesn't sit right when I think that the only reason he died was to appease God's penalty for his childrens' sins.
Yes, hope finds me when I survey that wondrous cross because I believe God stepped on earth to get as close as possible to his creation and the hands, feet, eyes, ears and hearts of his beloved humankind. I believe God couldn't stand to be apart and was willing and able to do whatever it took to bring us to his side forever. But like a guest who has over-stayed their welcome or a person invading our personal space, God in Jesus Christ got just a bit too close for comfort so they nailed him to a cross. I don't really know if what I think fits into a category anymore, but perhaps for you seminary classmates out there, the closest I can get is the "Wondrous Love" theory. I can't help but wonder though...what if Jesus so truly respected humankind's freedom that he was willing to allow for even his own death, a death by the very hands, feet, eyes, ears and hearts that God created? A death not by design or pre-destination but as a result of getting too close and too intimate and saying too much of what we didn't want to hear...What if Jesus truly died for you - for your love, your hopes, your sins, your whole-existence from birth to even death just so he could be the only one truly for you in every way imaginable? What if?
It's a terrible mystery how a boy can step up to the free-throw line hoping to make a couple of shots and instead be suddenly stepping up to meet his Maker. It troubles me beyond all belief. And yet, something deep within me beckons and reassures that even in that moment Breck's Maker and Savior was with him in ways I'll never know or understand, and that that was not the end of Breck's story.
Seeking answers can lead to everything from anger to justice or from pain to peace, but in the end, knowing the why isn't as important as knowing Who is always beside, within and all around me. Hope finds me because I believe the cross wasn't the end to Jesus' story but rather one last barrier to overcome so that I might live forever with God - or more accurately - that God might live forever with me and with us.
There's a reason there are volumes and volumes of books and theories - it's hard to wrap this up in one moderately short blog post! I am still working this out and I'll probably change my mind about something by the end of the week. But, for now, this is my working truth and I am intrigued by what truth other people operate from, so your observations, thoughts and comments are welcome and appreciated!
Important authors who have informed and inspired my thinking about this include:
John Polkinghorne (Quarks, Chaos and Christianity: Questions to Science & Religion). Rob Bell (Love Wins & What We Talk About When We Talk About God), Joel Green (Rediscovering the Scandal of the Cross: Atonement in New Testament & Contemporary Contexts) and Jurgen Moltmann.
