Tested

I had my first seminary exam yesterday. I made it through! The whole test-preparing and test-taking stuff is an absolute roller coaster of emotion. I knew coming into seminary that I was feeling good about the papers - writing, I can handle (Exhibit A: My blog). Exams on the other hand are a completely different story. I compare it to the likes of building up the courage to kiss a girl for the first time.

I've been understanding all of the material for this class from day one. It's not like it was over my head or anything, so studying was not the hard part of this task. The exam anticipation was by far the most arduous and torture inducing. I started to really hit the books hard the day before the test for I had other projects to complete prior. Much to my wife's scoffing, I took the time to type out my notes and create a study guide, complete with questions. Like creating a cheat sheet (when allowed of course) I found myself soaking the notes up again and becoming more fluent in the material. Then I studied my little heart out - reading, re-reading and asking myself the questions over and over and over again. By Wednesday night I was beginning to come a little unglued. Rebecca quizzed me and I felt I had a really good handle on everything - I was confident to be certain, but not overconfident. I think I dreamed about the test all night. By the time the morning came, I was a nervous wreck. I felt kind of queasy all over and just really really unsettled. I had given blood the night before, and thought maybe this had something to do with my ill feelings. I disregarded that reason and knew that I was doing this to myself. I tried to shake it off and assure myself that everything was going to be okay and that I was going to rock this test.

Similarly, this is exactly what ol' Keith went through when he prepared to kiss a girl for the first time. I will not give specifics of when this fateful moment occurred, but just know that it was not during my pre-teenage years like most people. It was well into my teens. Okay, okay - I was like 15 - during my sophomore year of high school. I had planned to make my move on a date around Christmas time - and I had it all figured out. I was so nervous and excited to get my first one done with. Did I mention that I was terrified? My palms were sweating the whole night. I did a countdown from ten about twenty times. And then, I made my move and whammo - my target moved and I had to abort the mission half way through. Some of you have probably heard this story a few times. I like to tell it because well, I still feel these same emotions now - nearly 15 years later (not when kissing!) No, I found myself feeling this exact same way as I prepared to take an exam yesterday. I just couldn't stay calm - it didn't matter how many times I counted myself down - I was still nervous amidst all the anticipation. Then the test arrived and I could finally focus on the task at hand. The nerves were restored. I knew I was almost home free. I sailed through the first page, no problems whatsoever. I felt great at the half way mark. Then, I set my sights on the essay on the back page. It was not what I expected despite the hundred or so times our professor described it. I had to quickly re-evaluate and re-focus my strategy, just like when my initial kiss attempt was inadvertently blocked all those years ago...

Settling back into the chair, I was half laughing and half crying at my luck - just as I had made my move, she too decided it was time to move - to adjust in her seat, and in so doing, had her head downward, unable to see an eager Keith diving in lips first. Not wanting to be there when her face returned to facing forward, I practically leapt backward and played it cool. My strategy? Thwarted. My confidence? Shaken. My determination? Rock solid. Oh, I was going to succeed, I just had to do a little readjusting myself... I stared at the blank page before me, wondering to myself how I was going to write this essay. I clarified with the professor what I had to do - just so I wouldn't take off down the wrong alley and get clobbered by a bad grade. Then, taking a deep breath and getting spiritually centered, I was off and writing.

The end of the date had arrived and I was still first kiss-less. I saw my opportunity present itself and not holding anything back, I went for it and...I succeeded. I landed my first kiss and when it was over, .0078 seconds later, I was a man. That's right, I knew I had just done what it takes to enter manhood - some of you may have other standards - but my personal kiss quest was all I needed for establishing myself as invincible. The thing I learned the most was that the kiss itself was easy. It was amazing in my 15 year old mind to be certain, but looking back on that lip to lip peck, it was an absolute breeze compared to everything that preceded it. And so it was with this test. I had done a thoroughly solid job in preparing for it and as a result, I was able to make an excellent effort and feel pretty good about it. Pretty, pretty, pretty good. Upon finishing, I left feeling amazed at how a two page test had so inflicted my psyche. Like that first kiss, getting the first test out of the way feels like reaching a milestone of a different proportion. Relieved? Yes. Satisfied? Yes. Worth all of the drama? Probably not.

So regardless of the tests we face in life, I know that we are ultimately our own worst enemies. Getting past ourselves and the build up is priority and challenge numero uno. Preparation is key - the more we can get our ships stocked, the better chances of survival and peace of mind. I know that some tests will be unexpected, but that doesn't mean we can't stay prepared. So just take a deep breath, get centered and dive in.

Giving my heart a break

A lot has happened over the last 18 days. The fall season has finally arrived in Minnesota and has been a pleasant one at that. With the coming of a new season, many new transitions have begun not only in my life, but I suspect in many others' as well.

In the last eighteen days I've had to say goodbye to my dear grandmother, Edna "Oma" Tabbert and begin to experience the same farewell process with my wife whose grandmother was hospitalized shortly after learning of Oma's death. There is no easy way of dealing with such sadness and heartbreak - one just has to muster the strength and focus to continue forward while allowing yourself to heal at its own pace. While I haven't necessarily been buried in grief yet, I have noticed a decline in my inner peace, a certain uneasiness taking over. I awoke this morning to unsettling dreams and a feeling of heaviness in my heart. I decided that I needed to remedy my soul - so I did the following: 1) watched a favorite movie, "Stranger than Fiction" 2) cleaned and re-organized the apartment front closet and 3) wrote in my blog.

During the movie, I was able to find release. I just allowed myself to be sucked into the plot and roll with the storyline and characters. I found myself shedding some tears at the emotional parts and being re-inspired again from the beautifully written script and message. The lines that stood out during this viewing were: "Go and live the life you've always wanted!" "I'm already dead - just not typed." "The hero dies but the story lives on forever." These three lines stood out and tugged at the ol' heart-strings, especially given the recent events transpiring around me. I thought of Oma and how her life was heroic to so many - how she just embodied love and brought so much joy and grace to our lives. Knowing she's at rest and living anew in heaven is comforting and reassuring - and how the "story lives on forever" part has become evident in those left without her as we remind ourselves of her life and experiences.

Then I thought about how true it is of all of us - "already dead, just not typed." With death closing in on those in sickness and terminal illnesses like Grandma Vera, we all are reminded of our own mortality - knowing that some day we'll all continue to the next life. I say this not to be morbid, although it most certainly is, but to paint a picture of what it means to be dead but not typed. Like the first quote of living the life you've always wanted, we all find ourselves reflecting on this throughout the course of our lives. Am I living the way I dreamed I'd be? Death has a way of shaking us and slapping us across the face and demanding a heartfelt and genuine response. Since I know that I am in fact already dead, or going to die, what is it that I have left unfinished before the final period is typed and it's all over? It's amazing to witness God's love and beauty in the simplest of ways and actions around us - especially in those dying. The peace that transcends all understanding has a way of being expressed which assures us that everything is going to be okay. Whether it's counting our blessings and giving God thanks despite our afflictions and suffering, we're able to endure anything through the hope and support of loved ones. Regardless of the situation, the story does indeed live on forever until that one day when we ourselves will do the same.

You're probably asking yourself if you missed something the last time you watched "Stranger Than Fiction" huh? Well, I apologize for the tangent, but like I said, writing it down is step three in my therapeutic formula. Step two isn't much of anything except for the fact that it was unfinished business that I saw to taking care of immediately. Our apartment needed a little sprucing up and it made me feel good. Usually I like to re-arrange furniture but being that there isn't a whole lot to rearrange in our small living space, I decided to organize instead. You see, I've come to learn that sometimes all we need is a little "me" time - setting aside our lists and agendas (and homework) and just wasting some time to give our hearts a break in order to endure life's heartbreaks. I think step four is going to have to be getting outside to breathe in the crisp autumn air - to appreciate the life still left in these lungs o' mine. The homework and studying will just have to wait. May the peace of Christ be with you all.

The Heavy Walkers etc.

The new adventure here at Luther Seminary has been underway for a month - which is precisely the amount of time it takes for a person like me to recognize and share a few particular pet peeves that have reared their ugly heads. So, here is a list of those things - which I hope will not be seen as pity-collecting, but more so as a therapeutic release for my soul. I will also accept your pity. It is after all, our human nature to complain. Not only is it human nature, but it's Biblical nature, remember those Israelites?? Well, enough of my justifying - on with the list!

1. The Heavy Walkers in apartment 310.
Rebecca and I live in apartment 210 and have been so cursed with neighbors above who like to make their presence extremely known whenever they are in their apartment, sharing the floor (our ceiling) with us. Ah, apartment living. I often wonder to myself and aloud just what it is that the heavy walkers are doing up there. I feel like they are pounding each step - huffing around up there for all to hear. It makes me very aware and cautious of my own walking around our apartment - and I am convinced that they are simply acting disrespectful and rude with all that noise. Why do they need to walk so much anyway? Come in, sit down, maybe move to the kitchen, sit again - what on earth warrants so much movement?! Instead of love for my neighbor, it has caused nothing but bitter disdain. We've never met each other, which might be part of the problem, but I don't think I can be friends if I met them now. I will never forget the first time we made eye contact in the stairwell one day. They were up in their place making all sorts of heavy steps and thunderous movements and then it stopped just as Rebecca and I were leaving. Then, here they come down the stairs and there was a moment of split silence as he and I exchanged looks - I knew it was him and he knew that I knew - and then it was over. But every time I see him on campus, my lips curl and I feel the bitter boiling inside. Terrible I know - but c'mon - softer steps people!

2. Everybody knows nobody.
The community building here isn't exactly what I dreamed of when I wanted to be a residential full time student. I've met a handful of classmates that are cool and would consider them to be friends. Everybody else just sticks to themselves - eliciting in me nothing but a longing for those chatty, pleasant folks in the Old Dominion who can't stop asking you how you're doing, who you are and what you do for a living. "Minnesota Nice" is a myth as far as I'm concerned at the present moment. I have no problem introducing myself and breaking the ice with people, but it's tough when it feels like you're the only one willing to stick your neck out socially. A new friend and I were discussing this campus climate crisis and she pinpointed it: everybody assumes that everyone knows one another. When in fact the opposite is true - everybody knows nobody and the only ones who know each other don't seem too interested in knowing more people. I am determined to building community here, but so far I'm not impressed.

3. The Vikings.
Put it together Vikes - it's embarrassing. What's worse is that at least in Virginia I could join in misery with Redskins fans. Now they're doing awesome and I can't even be there to share their happiness. I will still don my Adrian Peterson jersey with purple pride every Sunday - victory or no - there will be no jumping ship now that I'm here to see them play.

4. I'd probably complain about the weather here, but it's not quite time.
Chilly? Yes. But it's still a joy to be outside for the time being. This will change. I know. But let's just forget about it for now.

That is about it - which is a good thing. I enjoy my classes and the work that goes with them (insert collective gasp here.) My call to ministry is reaffirmed just about every day that I sit in class and soak up all the knowledge that I previously wasn't privy to. I'm becoming a more balanced student by the week and am handling the transition into student life just fine. There are other things I'm not used to yet, but those will come with time. I'm already looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas break - you know, those student perks won't be around forever. As for the pet peeves - let's all hope those won't be around forever either.