Giving my heart a break

A lot has happened over the last 18 days. The fall season has finally arrived in Minnesota and has been a pleasant one at that. With the coming of a new season, many new transitions have begun not only in my life, but I suspect in many others' as well.

In the last eighteen days I've had to say goodbye to my dear grandmother, Edna "Oma" Tabbert and begin to experience the same farewell process with my wife whose grandmother was hospitalized shortly after learning of Oma's death. There is no easy way of dealing with such sadness and heartbreak - one just has to muster the strength and focus to continue forward while allowing yourself to heal at its own pace. While I haven't necessarily been buried in grief yet, I have noticed a decline in my inner peace, a certain uneasiness taking over. I awoke this morning to unsettling dreams and a feeling of heaviness in my heart. I decided that I needed to remedy my soul - so I did the following: 1) watched a favorite movie, "Stranger than Fiction" 2) cleaned and re-organized the apartment front closet and 3) wrote in my blog.

During the movie, I was able to find release. I just allowed myself to be sucked into the plot and roll with the storyline and characters. I found myself shedding some tears at the emotional parts and being re-inspired again from the beautifully written script and message. The lines that stood out during this viewing were: "Go and live the life you've always wanted!" "I'm already dead - just not typed." "The hero dies but the story lives on forever." These three lines stood out and tugged at the ol' heart-strings, especially given the recent events transpiring around me. I thought of Oma and how her life was heroic to so many - how she just embodied love and brought so much joy and grace to our lives. Knowing she's at rest and living anew in heaven is comforting and reassuring - and how the "story lives on forever" part has become evident in those left without her as we remind ourselves of her life and experiences.

Then I thought about how true it is of all of us - "already dead, just not typed." With death closing in on those in sickness and terminal illnesses like Grandma Vera, we all are reminded of our own mortality - knowing that some day we'll all continue to the next life. I say this not to be morbid, although it most certainly is, but to paint a picture of what it means to be dead but not typed. Like the first quote of living the life you've always wanted, we all find ourselves reflecting on this throughout the course of our lives. Am I living the way I dreamed I'd be? Death has a way of shaking us and slapping us across the face and demanding a heartfelt and genuine response. Since I know that I am in fact already dead, or going to die, what is it that I have left unfinished before the final period is typed and it's all over? It's amazing to witness God's love and beauty in the simplest of ways and actions around us - especially in those dying. The peace that transcends all understanding has a way of being expressed which assures us that everything is going to be okay. Whether it's counting our blessings and giving God thanks despite our afflictions and suffering, we're able to endure anything through the hope and support of loved ones. Regardless of the situation, the story does indeed live on forever until that one day when we ourselves will do the same.

You're probably asking yourself if you missed something the last time you watched "Stranger Than Fiction" huh? Well, I apologize for the tangent, but like I said, writing it down is step three in my therapeutic formula. Step two isn't much of anything except for the fact that it was unfinished business that I saw to taking care of immediately. Our apartment needed a little sprucing up and it made me feel good. Usually I like to re-arrange furniture but being that there isn't a whole lot to rearrange in our small living space, I decided to organize instead. You see, I've come to learn that sometimes all we need is a little "me" time - setting aside our lists and agendas (and homework) and just wasting some time to give our hearts a break in order to endure life's heartbreaks. I think step four is going to have to be getting outside to breathe in the crisp autumn air - to appreciate the life still left in these lungs o' mine. The homework and studying will just have to wait. May the peace of Christ be with you all.