I'm With Stupid

My friend Matt stated recently: "what a difference a week makes..." - and oh, how right he is. This past week has definitely had its share of ups and downs for the country as a whole and on an individual level: wildifires in California destroying homes and changing lives forever, the drought in Virginia and other parts of the Eastern U.S. reaching record breaking length, the collapse of the Cleveland Indians at the hands of the Bo-sox, learning more about Albus Dumbledore than I expected (doesn't change anything though!), and the non-news worthy but still mildly traumatic personal blunder of mine from last Friday - to which I am writing about and sharing with you now.

You see, I truly got a personal taste of my most recent post about "facing the stairs" of life, conquering challenge and peservering through the trials when I left for home last Friday. I was still feeling pretty good about my week's work and riding the highs of my stair mastery I was reflecting about from the entry when "it happened." I am still recovering so this may get kind of emotional - bear with me. I lost my new friend - my close personal electronic "historian," the "Jump drive" (also known as a "Flash drive.") This miracle device had been with me for almost a year - I've been saving just about everything to it - my writing mostly, but also pictures and other miscellaneous bits of information that I felt necessary to have in case I needed it. I brought it with me everyday to work, and the amount of info on it is still unknown to me as I am still trying to grapple with its unexpected departure. Here's what happened:

I was running a little behind on getting out of the office last Friday - saving my recent blog entry so that I could have a back-up copy on the jump drive, oh the irony - and I needed to walk to my bus, which was usually a 15 to 20 minute commute by foot. I stood to leave, remembered to grab my jump drive still in my computer (it's cute little end still lit up in green) and then made the worst possible decision I have made in a long time. I placed it in my left front pants pocket. I remembered thinking, "I should just place it in my bag like I normally do so I don't forget where it is," but I instead convinced myself to leave it there, and move it to my bag on the way to the bus. I must also add that I COULD have placed it around my neck, as that is why there is a lanyard attached, but noooo - I decided to leave it in my pocket.

So, I leave the office, go up the stairs, walk about 50 steps through the Commons, where there were maybe 10 people total milling around (it was fall break last Thursday and Friday), out the doors and down the street maybe about a half block when a dreadful feeling hit me square in the chest - something was missing. I felt for my jump drive in my pocket - gone! What?! How could this hap - oh, yeah, I had a HUGE hole in that pocket! IDIOT! So I tossed the contents out of my bag on the spot, rooted through my jacket and made a bee-line back the way I had just came, scanning the ground for signs of it. Nothing. I get back in the building - a mere minute or two had elapsed and started frantically searching for it. Nothing. I then searched the stairs, the hallway leading back to the office and the office itself. Still nothing. How could this happen? What was I thinking? How could I be so STUPID?!?! I prayed that maybe I had just left it in the computer or it had fallen out in the office and the cleaning lady took it by accident. Nope - I checked everywhere, asked everyone, and turned the Commons upside down in search of this precious piece of me and my brief history this past year since owning it. In the end, with all the help of some student workers of mine - I still came up empty handed. It had dropped unknowingly through the hole in my pocket during those 50 steps through the Commons and into the lap of a thief who selfishly pocketed it and didn't think twice. Gone. Two minutes had elapsed, I made one awful decision and it's all gone. Never to return. I still am not over this. I feel so miserable for losing that thing - everything on there is irreplaceable - it was like someone reached into me and stole a part of my soul. Well, maybe that is a tad exaggerated, but you get the idea. That little device carried the mind and heart of me if even in a small way through my writing, my pictures etc, and I only hope that I had a majority of it saved and backed up somewhere else. Lesson learned.

It has almost been one week and I am still reeling from this loss. I continue to look for it when I re-trace my steps over and over again, always walking the same path to and from the bus stop. I had hoped maybe it was returned over the weekend and that whoever had it had a change of heart. I try to lighten up and "get over it" and just laugh - but, the truth is, I am just not there yet. Sometimes yes, but man alive, that wound is still fresh! I was quite upset after it happened last week. I walked with my head down, completely defeated and broken to the bus last Friday (cue the Charlie Brown sad music), tears welling up and anger boiling inside. I still can't believe my utter stupidity has cost me so much and has left me still deeply affected and upset. It has helped hearing similar stories from others who have lost or broken similar treasures - misery does love company. But, I feel like some of the magic is gone and the repercussions of this are only going to instensify as the weeks go on and I learn more of what I lost. I have been violated by a crime brought on by my own doing, so as much as I want to put it all on the jerk who pocketed it, I can't help but beat myself up for screwing up in the first place. In summary - this SUCKS! I am but a man with weaknesses and failures afterall - hopefully I will see good come of this. And that's all I can do at this point. Grieve yes, but overcome it - face the stairs and just suck it up and learn from my mistakes and keep moving forward. I hope you all can hold me to that. I know I needed to get this off my chest so thanks for sticking it out and letting me express myself! I will forgive myself eventually and be the better man for it, but for those of you out there who know this feeling - I still need some time.

I can't end on a downer - yesterday and today it's raining for the first time in over a month! Things are looking up aleady right?