HOW TO TP (TOILET PAPER) A YARD
In order to establish my credibility, let me ensure you of my qualifications on this unusual subject matter. I am an expert in the technical aspects of TP-ing trees and shrubbery, and a seasoned veteran of this lost art with a resume boasting of consistent high quality performances. These performances include a wide scope of targets and locations and I’ve achieved success in every mission from my beginner days to those of extreme difficulty and high risk. My credentials speak for themselves; as a youth I’ve succeeded at the TP-ing of my classmates and teachers. I then continued my practice of this tradition and good-natured prank into my adulthood. I have achieved the highest level of honor and respect from my peers, by being awarded with “TP Legend Status” from my leadership efforts in the risky task of TP-ing our cross-town rival college campus and then escaping capture, discipline and known involvement. I have since retired from this illustrious career and would like to pass on my wisdom and knowledge to you. Following is a list of the 10 steps needed in “How To” TP taken directly from my experiences and learning:
1) Choose a target and begin surveillance, scouting and strategy. (Things to pay specific attention to are: Dogs, lighting, location, exit routes, traffic patterns, hoses and sprinkler systems, scattered toys, fences, etc.)
2) Carefully and thoughtfully assemble your team of friends (immediately perform a ceremony in which all members must be “sworn to secrecy” involving any information sharing regarding the execution of your mission.)
3) Purchase the TP (Note: where possible, make your purchase at seldom used or unpopular venues so as to steer clear of the inevitable risks of Murphy’s Law by “bumping into” your would-be targets or their nosey neighbors. Also avoid buying in excess of 24 rolls at a time with all of the members of your team present with you at checkout, snickering and engaging in other acts of suspicious behavior.)
4) Use only regular toilet paper rolls and avoid the temptation to use the public restroom economy super-sized rolls, which weigh more and therefore become incredibly more difficult to throw.
5) In transit to your destination, store the TP in the trunk rather than the backseat, and if traveling on foot, bring only as many rolls of TP that you can carry on your person. (Resist the temptation of using book bags, pillowcases or backpacks as they can be easily left behind, thus adding an unwanted and risky return trip to the scene – which you would most likely be making alone.)
6) Wear dark clothing. Do not apply face painted camouflage or adorn a ski mask – doing so will only increase your likelihood of being apprehended on suspicion in the event of a close call or capture.
7) Allow no more than three minutes per house/school/business (based on the standard of A) three trees of small to moderate size or B) one of large size.)
8) To correctly prepare your roll of TP for tree coverage, simply unroll it about one or two sheets worth and let hang. Next, holding the roll in the palm of your hand, launch by throwing underhanded into the air, aiming for the tallest branch (the more loft the better!) Then watch the TP bounce, fall and rattle like a pinball down the tree, covering it in glorious stark white splendor. Retrieve and repeat.
9) Keep your talking, giggling and celebrating to a minimum during the TP-ing. Hold off until your return to base camp, and when the mission has been successfully accomplished, it is now appropriate and encouraged to unleash your laughter, bragging and the exalting of yourselves for a job well done.
10) At the first sight of interference, whether its a car, a light going on in the house, a dog barking, an inquisitive voice or the police – regardless of the TP coverage at that point, your first priority is getting away. So you must drop everything and run. Leave everything behind and run, run, run!
If you follow these 10 steps, I guarantee that you will get the results you seek in your next TP-ing adventure! Most importantly, you will have had fun and be able to share your stories for a lifetime – and that’s what makes this tradition last from one TP generation to the next. I hope you’ve had an enjoyable learning experience – please look for my next installment of “How To” as I reveal 10 tricks of the trade of defending your yard against would-be TP-ers.
In order to establish my credibility, let me ensure you of my qualifications on this unusual subject matter. I am an expert in the technical aspects of TP-ing trees and shrubbery, and a seasoned veteran of this lost art with a resume boasting of consistent high quality performances. These performances include a wide scope of targets and locations and I’ve achieved success in every mission from my beginner days to those of extreme difficulty and high risk. My credentials speak for themselves; as a youth I’ve succeeded at the TP-ing of my classmates and teachers. I then continued my practice of this tradition and good-natured prank into my adulthood. I have achieved the highest level of honor and respect from my peers, by being awarded with “TP Legend Status” from my leadership efforts in the risky task of TP-ing our cross-town rival college campus and then escaping capture, discipline and known involvement. I have since retired from this illustrious career and would like to pass on my wisdom and knowledge to you. Following is a list of the 10 steps needed in “How To” TP taken directly from my experiences and learning:
1) Choose a target and begin surveillance, scouting and strategy. (Things to pay specific attention to are: Dogs, lighting, location, exit routes, traffic patterns, hoses and sprinkler systems, scattered toys, fences, etc.)
2) Carefully and thoughtfully assemble your team of friends (immediately perform a ceremony in which all members must be “sworn to secrecy” involving any information sharing regarding the execution of your mission.)
3) Purchase the TP (Note: where possible, make your purchase at seldom used or unpopular venues so as to steer clear of the inevitable risks of Murphy’s Law by “bumping into” your would-be targets or their nosey neighbors. Also avoid buying in excess of 24 rolls at a time with all of the members of your team present with you at checkout, snickering and engaging in other acts of suspicious behavior.)
4) Use only regular toilet paper rolls and avoid the temptation to use the public restroom economy super-sized rolls, which weigh more and therefore become incredibly more difficult to throw.
5) In transit to your destination, store the TP in the trunk rather than the backseat, and if traveling on foot, bring only as many rolls of TP that you can carry on your person. (Resist the temptation of using book bags, pillowcases or backpacks as they can be easily left behind, thus adding an unwanted and risky return trip to the scene – which you would most likely be making alone.)
6) Wear dark clothing. Do not apply face painted camouflage or adorn a ski mask – doing so will only increase your likelihood of being apprehended on suspicion in the event of a close call or capture.
7) Allow no more than three minutes per house/school/business (based on the standard of A) three trees of small to moderate size or B) one of large size.)
8) To correctly prepare your roll of TP for tree coverage, simply unroll it about one or two sheets worth and let hang. Next, holding the roll in the palm of your hand, launch by throwing underhanded into the air, aiming for the tallest branch (the more loft the better!) Then watch the TP bounce, fall and rattle like a pinball down the tree, covering it in glorious stark white splendor. Retrieve and repeat.
9) Keep your talking, giggling and celebrating to a minimum during the TP-ing. Hold off until your return to base camp, and when the mission has been successfully accomplished, it is now appropriate and encouraged to unleash your laughter, bragging and the exalting of yourselves for a job well done.
10) At the first sight of interference, whether its a car, a light going on in the house, a dog barking, an inquisitive voice or the police – regardless of the TP coverage at that point, your first priority is getting away. So you must drop everything and run. Leave everything behind and run, run, run!
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