Excuses, excuses...

I took a month off from writing, not because I necessarily wanted to, but because of several varying factors that prevented me. So, here are my excuses:

I was swamped at work. I spent what seemed like 8 hours a day in front of a computer, messing up my 20/20 vision by staring at a screen 40 hours a week instead of doing real, hands on "work." I know that seems like a lame excuse for not writing, but who really wants to sit down in front of the computer when that's all you've been doing? I just couldn't seem to find a twenty minute break anywhere to write something down that or think of anything that seemed mildly entertaining or thought provoking the last few weeks.

I got sick with allergies that still haven't seemed to go completely away. Nothing like watery eyes, a dripping nose and trying to look into the light long enough to induce a sneeze to make anyone want to sit here longer to crank out a story. I apologize, but when I am sick, I don't want to write.

I was suspicious as to whether anyone was really reading my blog or if it was just my imagination that this page was good enough to draw people back to it for a second or third view after my first initial entry. But, I was called out for not updating by a friend - which made me feel simultaneously excited and ashamed - you mean you're checking it? Crap, you're checking it - I better add something new...

But perhaps the best excuse a man could offer, would be that I have spent the last few weeks with a crazy itch problem. It all started when we went camping over the Labor Day holiday and our 5 year anniversary, and towards the end of the long, wonderfully relaxing weekend, I noticed some red blotches on my ankles. I thought that I had no doubt gotten into something - either bug bites or something poisonous lurking on the trails while hiking. Well, it turns out that it was something that gotten into me, not the other way around, that was causing me to scratch more and more frequently. I realized the marks were getting more red and incredibly more itchy - which came to be ridiculously uncomfortable and badly timed as I faced the busiest work week of my year. And then, the bombshell. For those of you with weak stomachs or innocent ears, read no further.

During a "routine" scrotum inspection after urinating one morning, I noticed that the red blotches had migrated north and set up camp on my testicles. Every man's worst nightmare - something was attacking my balls. It itched more there than I ever cared to want to scratch. Upon closer inspection, something seemed terribly wrong with these pimple-like marks. I did what I had to do - I asked my wife to take a look under the hood. She did, with professionalism (not giggling) and sprung into action before I could give her my permission. Next thing I know, we are looking at a small grey dot, which I originally suspected was some kind of matter that had somehow come to rest on my "unmentionables." Rebecca had other thoughts. I didn't believe her. She plucked another one off. This time, seeing was believing. It was moving! It was crawling all over her finger! She had just plucked a tiny creature off my balls! I could not contain my horror any longer. "What the HELL is that?!?!?!?!" Remaining calm, she removed one more and we imprisoned the little crotch invading terrorists into a jar. Needless to say, I took a day off from work to go get checked out. The diagnosis? Chiggers and Seaticks. That's right, you read that correctly: SEA TICKS. The doc said that the ankles and legs were no doubt the result of the chiggers and the testicles, well, they were chigger magnets too, but, in this case, sea ticks. A cortisone shot, antibiotics and clear nail polish took care of the rest.

I'm proud to say that I am back, almost fully recovered, and ready to pick up where I left off. My sincerest apologies for the lack of new material, but as you can see, it's not that I didn't have some great excuses...

This is dedicated to my wife, the boldest and most gentle sea tick remover I've ever known. I love you!