Home Field Advantage

There is simply no way to top my last entry. So, in case you're thinking I've gotten myself into something worse since then, think again. On a completely different topic, but similar note, I have been meaning to write about some odd behavior when it comes to a certain thing I must do on a consistent basis.

There is something to be said about home field advantage for sports teams. The worst of teams can sometimes annihilate another team better than them on their home turf. There is just something in the air - and with the backing of their supportive fans, it is always nice to be at home, in a place comfortable and well known. I would like to state that this is true for me as well - I always prefer my home toilet vs. visitors' toilets...

You see, like most of the country I suppose, I am not wild about public restrooms. I feared going to the bathroom during elementary school. I only went number one, if I could help it, during middle and high school. I always did my best to hold it in until I could get to my home territory. Then in college, I had to share one bathroom with the whole floor. I didn't have any choices then, and for some odd reason, I didn't mind having some company. Guys were stall buddies all the time - chatting away while taking care of business. I of course, preferred my privacy, but since I got along so well with others, it wasn't a big deal when the privacy was interrupted. Since college however, I have discovered that I can no longer hold it in as I did so well growing up, and I am back to preferring total solitude when visiting the restroom.

Not only do I prefer solitude, but there are some other conditions that MUST be met in order for me to take care of business. I will outline my strategy and then describe my plan of action. First, I determine the immediacy of the situation and I decide which location to visit: my primary, secondary, tertiary or last resort option. The judgment criteria for the locations are as follows: cleanliness, air flow, lighting, TP quality, stall space, likelihood of neighbors, smell, security and distance from my office. Here is a breakdown of location descriptions so you know what kind of things I've already established:

Primary choice: I will walk up two flights of stairs to the restroom directly above my office. It gets an "A" for cleanliness, air flow, lighting, stall space, smell, security and distance from my office. There are only two stalls so the likelihood of neighbors is higher, but given that there is little going on, I usually escape with no next door visitors. TP quality isn't the greatest, but there's no place like home in this category.

Secondary choice: If there is too much action in the primary location, I will walk another thirty yards to the secondary location. It gets an "A" for cleanliness, air flow, lighting, stall space, smell, security and distance from my office. Essentially it is the same as the primary location, but it is located further away.

Tertiary choice: In the event that I go 0 for 2, I will visit the third option. This bathroom gets an "A" for cleanliness, air flow, lighting, stall space, likelihood of neighbors and smell. Besides being on the complete opposite end of the building and the furthest distance to walk, it's still better than the last resort. The third option has many stalls, so the likelihood of neighbors is much less. The security however, isn't so good. There are doors, but the locks do not work. What is the point of that? Anyways, I try to get the "executive" stall when I go there. There are like 6 stalls right next to each other, but the executive stall is separated by a brick wall and kind of just sits off on its own. Privacy at its best, even though the door never locks.

Last Resort choice: In the awful event that all three locations are too busy, closed or otherwise unusable, I will go to the last possible option. This bathroom gets an "A" for stall space, security and distance from my office. This option is actually the closest to my office. However, it has absolutely zero air flow, stinks to high heaven, is messy most of the time, has only two stalls and the lights have been prone to go out on me from time to time. There is nothing worse than trying having the lights go out and leave you in total blackness. I don't even think I can describe the smell of this dungeon restroom. Awful. So, I usually hold my breath when going #1, but avoid it as much as humanly possible when having to go #2.

Behavior: Its really simple... I always do two things upon entrance. I check to see if there is enough TP and I wipe off the seat with a piece of it, regardless of the condition. So, you can imagine my relief when I learned that the reason for the recent invasion (see last month for details) was NOT that I had obtained crabs from a campground toilet. I would not have been able to forgive myelf for not inspecting the seat more closely had that been the case.

Home field advantage is very important to me when it comes to taking a load off. And a word about outhouses: don't knock 'em till you try 'em. You never know when they'll show up to save the day - I know I will always look upon them with gratitude for the jam it got me out of way back when I first met Rebecca's family. But, that story is for another time.